This post was written by Danika Cooley of Thinking Kids
My husband and I have two distinct sets of children.
Our first two children came to live with us out of a high-risk situation, at the ages of eight and ten, the week after our honeymoon. We didn’t have a whole lot of time to discuss how we were going to raise our kids. In fact, we didn’t have time to do anything but the urgent.
We had two more boys a year apart. Our two older children were fifteen and thirteen when our fourth child was born. We’re navigating the tween years for the second time.
I remember going through all of the milestones, challenges, and victories of these years once before with our oldest two. We’ve been there, done that, and now we’re doing it again.
This time, we’re doing it a little different.
We’ve made five parenting decisions this time around. These decisions may not be right for every family, but they have been fantastic choices for us.
1) I stayed home.
“They” (you know, the gurus) say that the first five years of a child’s life are vital. I cannot agree enough with that assessment. During my first pregnancy, we lived surrounded by three daycares and I worked full-time. My husband and I decided it didn’t matter how great a childcare worker may be, no one else could raise our children with the love and care God had given us for our littles.
2) We’re focusing on edification and relationship.
We spent the first five years being very intentional about correction and discipline. But we also really focused on edifying our children. When it comes to parenting, relationship rules. We spend time with our kids, praise them for good choices and help them identify poor ones. It’s all about the love, baby.
3) We intentionally disciple our children for Christ.
That’s right… we’re indoctrinating our kids. I believe the Bible is the true, written Word of God. I believe in heaven and hell. I believe that Christ saves us from our sins when we repent, broken-hearted, and serve Him with our lives. I want nothing more than to raise children who know God’s Word, know His truths, and — ultimately — know Him. I can’t guarantee that my children will all seek God, but I can guarantee they know who He is. Devotions, Bible Road Trip, family worship, church together in the big-people service, and family prayer are a few of the ways we disciple.
4) We limit media and we’ve removed video games from our home.
We found that that old adage, “garbage in, garbage out,” is absolutely true. Also, video games have an amazing ability to turn a sweet, engaged child into a surly, defiant creature. We couldn’t see the value, but we could see the damage. We do love some great video series that are in line with our ideals of edification and intentional discipleship.
5) We homeschool our kids.
We did eight years of public school and four years of a Christian school. I cannot tell you how much I love educating our children at home. It’s a spectacular experience, and if I could go backward in time, I would homeschool all four of our kids. Alas, I can only live life forward. I love homeschooling my kids so much, I may do it again with another two littles I love dearly.
Those are the five things we’ve chosen to do differently with our “second set” of children.
Let me encourage you from the other side of parenthood: be intentional, be biblical, and — above all — love those precious kids and point them to Jesus.
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Loved the article. Need advice. With your two at risk kids you mentioned I thought you may have ideas. We have adopted 2 boys from Ukraine. For the first 5 years we had them in Christian school, where I taught. Then I came home and we have homeschooled for 2 years. My youngest (12) has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) which means he never bonded and is constantly trying to make me angry to justify his own feelings of rejection and pain. He is almost a perfect child in public and is very good at manipulating adults. Needless to say homeschool has been nightmare-ish at times. He is going to public school this year. His brother (13) and I are working hard on learning to read. This guy has dyslexia and has in spite of the temper tantrums of the other, has made progress since we started homeschooling. My goal is to get him up to speed and the next year send him to school and keep my little RADish home to deal with bonding and emotional issues. I feel so guilty sending them off to school. We cannot afford Christian school. Is there something else I could do? Am I a terrible mom?
Oh, Deena. I don’t think you’re a terrible mom. What you are doing is loving, noble and important. You are following our Lord’s command to care for “the least of these”. That said, adoption is very, very difficult at times. RAD can break a mama’s heart – daily.
I am not a professional, and can’t give you advice on the RAD from that perspective (that’s my legal disclaimer).
As a fellow Christian mom, though, I can tell you that we saw a wonderful Christian counselor (it is so important to see someone coming from the same worldview!). His advice to me was two-fold:
1) I should pray and ask God each morning to help me adopt the kids into my heart – to love them as my own, to raise them as my own – and to help me accept that the kids did not feel that way about me. I strove to love them anyway.
2) I had to accept that I couldn’t raise the kids we received in the middle of their childhood the same way we would have raised kids from the very beginning. Our kids were in crisis. They had deep wounds and unacceptable behaviors. They were academically delayed, and every day brought a new crisis. We had to adjust our expectations.
My husband and I talk about what we wish we had done differently. The above list came from those discussions. Most of all, we both wish we had focused on loving and edifying the kids. That we had spent more time pouring God’s truth into their hearts.
I *wish* I had homeschooled, but to be drop-dead honest, I don’t know if I could have. Fighting the good fight was very, very difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the overwhelmingly pagan and permissive influence of the government schools and the peers there didn’t add to the difficulty of the fight, but we will never know for sure.
I stand in deep respect of the task you have taken on, Deena. You are courageous and strong. The Lord is faithful to guide us as we seek Him. I wish you all the best in your journey, including wise counsel, wisdom and discernment. In fact, I have prayed that for you.
~ Danika
Hi Deena – I’m one of the writers here at Holy Spirit-Led Homeschooling and I could weep reading your comment, especially your question about if you are a terrible mom, as that is a question I’ve asked myself a lot the past two years. You see, I’ve been a mom for 18 years and thought I was doing an okay job of it until our youngest daughter’s symptoms escalated into our lives becoming a living nightmare. Five of our kids are also adopted and the most recent two are siblings from Ethiopia 4 years ago. They were 7 and 4 when we brought them home and although our son (the older of the two) has done well with therapy and a lot of work on our part and his, our daughter has for the most part, only gotten worse. She has PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and RAD and a few other alphabet soup diagnoses and I have questioned my ability as a mom almost every day for the past two years. We are very fortunate in that where we live, there is an intensive treatment program for trauma and attachment that is 18 months long. She started last January and we started the second phase of it this morning. It has been so much work and exhausting and heartbreaking, but we are seeing progress. We finally have hope.
We have at times considered sending her to school just to give the other kids and I a break. My desire to prove to her that no matter how far she pushes me, I will not abandon her barely won out and only did so because of the timing of her treatment program coming into our life. I absolutely do not judge your decision to put your son in school. I am living this and I applaud you for getting out of bed each morning and putting one foot in front of the other.
I would encourage you to pray for direction, to work very hard on your own self-care and to put protections in place for your marriage. This is a HUGE challenge and stress and you need God, being healthy yourself and in your marriage and a support system to help you through. I would really like to send you a free copy of my Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Parents ebook if you leave me your e-mail address.
If you ever want to contact me for anything, I am here to listen. It’s a very hard and lonely road.
-Sharla
Hi Deena, I too am one of the writers here at Holy Spirit-Led Homeschooling. I have been a foster parent for four years. We brought home our adopted daughter from Ethiopia in Dec 2012 who was 2 years old at the time. I was sure that foster parenting had prepared me for being an adoptive mom, but it did not even come close.
People comment all the time how well behaved our daughter is, even close family that we see on a regular basis. However, our home has become a place of constant anxiety over the last nine months due to her constant need to anger and manipulate all the other family members-and it is not getting better. As a matter of fact it has been getting worse.
After meeting with a great Psychologist, who is an adoptive mother and Christian, she has recommended that we do not keep her home for pre-school. It has been a hard thing for me to come to terms with because we have home schooled all our other children for nine years and it seems like I am not treating her like the other children.
The reasons that the psychologist has made that recommendation makes sense to me though. She said that in my daughters three little years of life, relationships and bonding have been the most stressful part of her life. She said that even though I want to have a mother-daughter loving relationship it is likely more stressful to her to have to constantly work on these relationships since they are stress producing for her. She needs a break from having to work on attachment.
The doctor also said that when children have lived in orphanages they are often more comfortable in an institutional type setting than they are in a home setting and they need time to adjust to that too. It makes sense to me, it is just hard. I have to consider all my family members though, and I know this decision is best for all of us right now.
As parents, we can only offer them love and relationships and only a wise mother, such as yourself, knows when our children are not ready to be offered all the gifts and love we have for them. Much like we are not always ready to accept the wonderful love and gifts that our Heavenly father gives us. I hope that one day my own daughter can come home to school, but until then, I have to trust that I am offering her what is best for her even if it is different than what I offer my other children. it sounds like you are a wonderful mother who is doing what is best for all the members of your family. Don’t let the devil beat you up for doing what is right. You are a great mom!
Blessings,
Monica
One more thing I wanted to let you know. My daughter is attending pre-school at the public school. This is what we can afford, and it is where she can get the best services for her delays. I have to remind myself daily though that she was God’s before she was mine, and He can protect her wherever she is.
Thank you, ladies. I know the first responder really needed your kind words. I am grateful for your wisdom as I would love to foster and adopt and a real look at the difficulties helps me to have realistic expectations.
simmonsteach@yahoo.com
Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement. I needed them.
Dear Deena,
Hello, and God bless.I am a Christian Homeschooling Mother of 2 boys.My older son is Dyslexic.One thing i wish to stress to you is that I feel you need to be looking into your sins health first , and then the schooling will all fall into place.My older son did two years at a public school,and although i had detected dyslexia, had to wait until 9 yrs to be diagnosed.As Dyslexia is considered a difficulty in Australia , where I live, not a disability there is very limited help…My son loved the social side of school, but he is limited by this dyslexia…I have has to give my som antihistimes due to his allergy leading me to research, and find an answer as his disgraphia, dyslexia is dramatically changed after , vitamins and antihistimine…I am even considering going to America to see DR Harold Levinson, as I believe he is on the right understanding in helping these children, adults with Dyslexia, look up his site, you may very well have a different child if you obtain help in this area,,,do npt give up, you are in my prayer, God loves your boy, lean on him, do not expect too much of yourself, and your son,,,have faith , this time too will pass…god bless you, if you keep up the homeschooling while you get his help in order you will have less pressure , from the education system etc, has your son got a pet to love?. look into hobbies, gardening ect drawing.music for release of tension. god bless Deborah, look up Dr Levinson, I am into alternative health but sometimes God wants us to accept the wisdom he has shown man one thing I read about treatment with Dr Levinson is that after 3-4 yrs treatment these people he has helped function normally.